June 10, 2009

A tortured mind

"I believe what doesn't kill you only makes you...stranger." - The Joker.

Trauma. Torture. Fear. Danger. Confusion. My fault. Weak. Why? Leave me alone! Get away from me. Please don't. Does no one see this? Why me? Hide. Run. Run. Run away. I don't understand. Protect me. Save me. Please. Withdrawn. Tears. Crying. Anger. Pain. Rage. No trust. No one cares. Not you, not him, not her. No one. Not one soul. Alone. Lonely. Panicked. Pleading. Indifferent. Void. Disengaged. Trust them not. Run. Run. Run away. Words hidden behind walls. Too choked to speak. Restless. Abandoned. Betrayed. Not love. Danger. Always scared. Damaged. Broken. Don't touch me. Black hole. Don't be dramatic. Leave it in the past. Always confused. Trying to make sense. No explanation. No justice. No answers. Floundering. Failing. Intermittent strength. Love. Need. Only love. Share love. Need love. Spread joy. Cut out from yourself. Black heart. Dark mind. Hide. Don't see me. Don't want you to see me. Go away. Change appearance. How do you still find me? How dare you! Seeking innocence. Always seeking. Never believing. Fighting. Surviving. Good person. Unfair. Making no sense. Hold me. Protect me. Need to feel safe.

Possess brain. End torment. Heal. Just heal. Whatever it takes. Hold me. Love me. Protect me. Understand me. Not crazy. Scared. Deep seeded. Don't you see? It's your fault. It's not my fault. How could I know. A child does not know. Grief. Mental drain. Tired. Exhausted. Paralyzed. Shaking. Cold. Freezing. Blue nails.

You're a freak. What's wrong with you? Hurt. Betrayed. Smile. Smile. Smile. Fleeting. Smile. Others have it worse. I know. Stop. Be quiet. Stay silent. Resurfacing. Can't hide it. What's the point? What's the point?

"We are powerful because we have survived.
I have come to believe over and over again,
that what is most important to me must be spoken,
made verbal and shared,
even at the risk of having it bruised or misunderstood.
When I dare to be powerful,
to use my strength in the service of my vision,
then it becomes less and less important
whether I am afraid.
Your silence will not protect you."

-Audrey Lorde

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