October 21, 2009

She-Wolf is my stage name

"S.O.S. she's in disguise
S.O.S. she's in disguise
There's a she wolf in disguise
Coming out, coming out, coming out" - She Wolf - Shakira

I won't say that I've garnered or commanded attention all of my life, but this past year seems to be preposterous or ridiculous to a certain degree. I don't say it in the aforesaid manner to ridicule the giver of compliments but many events and words have made me stop and question what the Universe is trying to tell me, if anything. Have I finally reached my prime? Am I so happy within that I project nothing but positive vibes outward? Have I finally turned into a swan (ugly duckling reference)? I ask these questions because I'm trying to understand what people see - suddenly- or is it simply that I'm paying attention and not trying to hide?

No one calls me sweet anymore. At least not this year. I suppose that is a repercussion? The sweetness has not been replaced with sourness (thankfully). It just suddenly came to me after a talk with a friend of mine who I've now known for 14 years.

J says : I think u were a good girl from what I remembered (school), and now u have a little bit of an edge..and I think it works well with your personality. I like the "new" u better u're very easy going, relaxed, EXTREMELY easy to talk to if i had to describe u in one word, I'd say "genuine"

V says : u dont know how much of a compliment that is to me. thank you

J says : not a lot of people get to have this personality (saying from experience) being able to just be life's too short for games

V says : that's what I say

J says : so yea, I like the "new" you, if that is truly new I've always thought u had these qualities, I just realized them more when I saw u last just the spontaneity that u have in you is not a common trait to have that's what gives u a spark..."

Earlier this year I took a trip with my best-friend and for most of the trip she looked at me as though I had sprouted a second head and was an alien being. It had been quite a few years since she had seen me exude the personality that I was, during our trip, and when I gently reminded her that the person she saw was whom she had first met in high school (to some degree) she agreed. I did lose myself in many different ways along these years and I have found myself with such renewed vigor that it surprises me. Where once I had to force myself to open my eyes and face the world one day at a time, well I don't jump out of bed at ungodly early hours, but I get up ready to live my day. I used to tell myself 'just smile, you'll get through it' and now it has become so intrinsic on some level, that it is perhaps why I attract more people my way these days.

I don't mean this just in terms of physical "beauty". Exquisitely beautiful, exceptionally good-looking; you roll out of bed looking pretty; one of those beautiful people who are in denial; How do you tan and look like a brown Goddess and I look splotchy? You pretty girls always get served first (Tim Hortons line-up)... these are all words and phrases that have been said to me, but isn't it all simply a matter of perception? Beauty, after all, is in the eyes of the beholder, right? When people say such things to me, depending on who says it... sure I grin, feel good, special and whatever else goes along with it. But I have, on occasion, stood in front of a mirror and stared at myself going "Really? really? What do they see?" It amuses me sometimes or maybe that's how I've learnt to handle life. It's interesting, it's amusing. It's a far cry from the days when I used to hide, not want anyone to see me, be a wallflower, be the one taking pictures of others, be the one behind the camera and not in front of it. It only took 25 years or so to step out. I don't know what exactly happened or triggered this, however the one piece of advice that keeps coming back into my head was given to me when I was working as a receptionist for this temporary work-agency. That means one of the things I did was answer the phone. One day the boss calls and I don't realize who it is and I talk to her generally. She later comes into the office, calls to speak with me, and says that when she called she wondered who the hell (yes she said hell) was answering her company's phone because I sounded so matter-of-fact. She sai, "d when you answer the phone, sound positive, sound cheerful. The person on the other end can't see you smiling, but put some effort into it and it changes a lot of attitude". It's true. It really does. And I tried it out, experimented...which I like to do to see if things actually work. I started sounding more upbeat. Sure, I had to force myself to sound extra cheery and not too cheerleader-y. But it worked. Not only did people respond better but I started feeling better internally. I'm serious. The emails I wrote, the things I said, my view point, perspective slowly started changing. I don't think I was mired in misery at the time, however I couldn't believe how better I felt. I still lost track of it all until the same time last year... when those words came back to me. And I thought, I had nothing to lose, I had to move forward. So I forced myself to smile, to laugh, and now I actually have my giggling and laughter and smile back. This year I've had more people say to me that "You like everyone", "you're nice to everyone", "you always have a cheery disposition", "you're always smiling, it's good to see here". Funny, in the three years that I've worked at my current employment, this is the year people have noticed me. Or maybe I'm just receptive finally.

I_ says:
no it makes me happy to listen to you stride through life
like a model

V says:
oh God. can u please forget that model thing

I_ says:
makes me live vicariously through you
its not teasing honest.
I really meant it
the confident stride
the come what may chutzpah

I love that... "the come what may chutzpah". I believe you only genuinely acquire that when you realize certain truths about life. Anyway, it's taken me about two months to write this piece. I kept thinking I sound quite narcissistic. Maybe I do. Or maybe I don't. I don't know. I suppose it helps that I can look at these moments and find them amusing without taking them too seriously. I've done enough self-doubting, self-loathing and hopefully now I'm coming into some self-awareness.

Good Girl Gone Bad - Rihanna
Sexy Bitch - Akon
Unwritten - Natasha Bedingfield
She Wolf - Shakira
Viva La Vida - Coldplay
Good Girls Go Bad - Cobra Starship


Veena said...

Wow. So the first line makes me think, whoa what is this about? (if I didn't know you it would at least) Are we going to hear about all the hearts Vee has broken? I get wary and my own insecurities start popping up in my head.
Then you take me through this journey you have been on and my heart opens more and more to you (ohhhh this isn't about vanity, or being hot, or flaunting your stuff) and I realize that this is about the blossoming of a healthy self love, a necessary self acceptance.. the only path to being a positive force in this world. and I feel thankful that you had the courage and insight to share this, and I feel inspired by it.

Vee said...

It's my turn to say Wow. I didn't think anyone would find inspiration from this piece! Thank you for having a positive enough perspective to find meaning in this. :)