August 18, 2006

Call me Jade-ed.

It has been brought to my attention that offlate my blog is not reflecting anything happy. While I could sit and extrapolate on how happiness is a state of mind and it differs from person to person, I decided to actually address this "issue" instead of making excuses for it. Now, where do I begin.

Last Monday, as I walked into work, I was told by a cop, "You don't smile anymore". If you're wondering "erm, a cop?" - I work at a courthouse. Anyway, that's not the point. That comment bothered me the entire day and I guess it's still bothering me. It made me sit and think about the place I work, how it's affecting me, how it's changed me (without my conscious approval) and who I am now. That's a lot to reflect upon.

I certainly don't work in a happy place. We don't deal with good things generally, we see the negatives of society and what I mean by that is we see the people who are starting on the wrong side of life to people who are ruled by pure evil. And we (who work there) learn to develop our own coping mechanisms. All of us have walls and shields to protect us in someway from what we hear and see. We develop a weird sense of humour amongst ourselves, but it's been a while since I heard pure laughter from within or maybe it's simply my state of mind. Although, I have to say today I had to walk out of the courtroom I was in, because I almost burst out laughing listening to a private complaint case. Yes, we also get the 'this is too weird' and 'you're wasting our time and money for this' matters in our courthouse. The point is that no matter how much we learn to tune out what we hear and see, it enters us and seeps into our pores whereby changes occur in our way of thinking and in our personalities. I know for a fact that I've become cynical. Maybe not all of the time, but when I hear something my first reaction is "yeah right". I don't like this change in me because I know I swore to myself that I wouldn't let anything or anyone change my "idealism". And instead here I am - changed. I know why the change has occurred and I don't mean to paint a bleak picture of who I've become, I'm just highlighting the changes.

Other than work, there are happenings in my personal life that have me feeling anything but pleasant towards anyone. I've just been existing one day after another for the past couple of weeks, because I've had to put my baby in a kennel. She's being boarded by her vet and she seems to like the place, but I remember the evening I was going to drop her off. I took the day off to spend time with her and she didn't leave my side all day. She literally stuck to me and wouldn't move. It's like she could tell something was going to happen and that I was feeling extremely miserable. Anyway, I get her back home Monday night and you can be sure I'm throwing a party for her return. I'm not going to get into why she's away in a kennel, but her not being here daily has made a part of me shut off. I catch myself stopping every now and then missing the jingling sounds of her collar, or her waiting for me when I get home, etc. Anyway, I'm moving away from this topic because it makes me very upset.

Adding to this, I'm going through inner turmoil, which when I think is being sorted out seems to pull me back into it's grasp. So if I'm not my supposedly usual chipper self - I don't care. I'm Jade-ed. Call me Jade. I know I'll come out of this and find a balance, but sometimes the journey is quite interesting, especially when you're finally aware of the journey you take. Don't you think so?


Anonymous said...

Smile dear. Or should I call you Jade. Sometimes, being as if helps us become what we want to be. As sordid as this world may be, and as irreversible the loss of our innocence may seem, I believe that our view of our world has a lot to do with our state of mind. Simple example: Should you start packing your bags for an impending trip to Paris, you would already start seeing the world through pink colored glass. So smile, dear. You´re in Paris already.

Lindsay Lobe said...

The pursuit of happiness is notoriously difficult.

Many aspects of our life can bring happiness, respect from peers, our families, friends, eating good food and generally healthier is happier than being unhealthy. Researchers have found that the functioning of certain key biological processes is improved by happiness.
"Joy" and "thankful" lives help us be happier and live longer than if we express negative emotions. Some people keep a “grateful” log to help engender a feeling of goodwill for them and encourage a positive influence on our day to day interactions.

Outlets to reduce stress include watching funny movies that provoke laughter which cause the tissue that forms the inner lining of blood vessels, the endothelium, to dilate to increase blood flow.

Spirituality also seems to be somehow beneficial to health. The brain, in spiritual reflection acts through its connections giving important positive effects.

Best wishes

Gary said...

Dear Jade,

If you have to be sad right now in your life, don't fight it - but find your heart in your sadness.

And the sun will come out again more brightly, because you are a good person, a caring person and deserve bright days.

Your friend,

Been There

Kaskuss said...

Dear Vee,
What can I do to bring a smile back to your face ? I am sure this is just a transitional phase and you will get back to your 'bubbly' self ;-) As for the journey, I prefer to take it one step at a time. Who knows 'Kal ho na ho' . Take care and enjoy the journey.

Priya said...

Dearest Vee,
You've often called me cynical. I hate to think that you would turn cynical yourself. It's your strong sense of ideals that make you so wonderful. We shouldn't let things get us down, if anything you should come out of a bad situation wiser and better. Especially working in a environment where you see bad things happened to people and their miserable lives, you should be happy for the good things in your life and try your best to be spread the joy. :) Smiling is very important, it will make you feel better for one and the other person looking at you. It's a contagious thing that we could all do with. :)

Kumari said...

I know it's tough to be optimistic and happy in a world that taunts and troubles us and makes us more cynical by the second, but sometimes it's worth fighting that cynicism.

Hope your baby is back home and your smile is back on your face.
Take care :)

Kaumudee said...

You always come out on top. You are a winner and a fighter...If you weren't, I would not love you so! Always remember your inner light and accept...sometimes life throws you a curve ball, if you wait for the life manual to give you instructions that ball's going to do some damage as it whips past you. I know you know that, but I just wanted to use this analogy on someone.

Smile, coz you don't look good as a grump!!!