January 15, 2006

Letting Go

I've been thinking of writing on this subject for a while now, but I've never managed to find the exact words. This lazycrazy day as I was lounging on my futon, dog on my feet (keeping those toes warm), watching Gilmore Girls, I saw the episode where Rory's ex-boyfriend Dean gets married. The end of that episode cuts to Rory standing outside the church (behind a tree) watching Dean and his wife pose for photographs. The expression on her face spoke a thousand words - heartache, regret, questions, ... time to let go.

This got me thinking (of course) about the number of people we meet and the number of people we let go. Some by choice, some forced and others simply as a matter of mutual understanding, distance and time. I've had to let go of a really good friend over the past year and a bit and it's taken me that long to stop from automatically thinking of her or of wanting to pick up the phone and share something with her. It's sad really because we were very close - best friends. We both came to Canada in the same year, met at high school, and from then on became thick as thieves. 9 years of a friendship came to a painful end for a variety of reasons. I'm not getting into the reasons because they are pointless at this moment, but what I had initially thought as something that could be resolved over time has instead resulted in me having had to let go - not voluntarily, not by choice, but by lack of choice. *side note: It's ironic, as I sit writing this I realize I have this song playing in the background called 'teri yaad yaad' which literally means 'your thoughts/memories'. The person's singing about being tormented by thoughts of someone. (lol) *end of side note*

Anyway, this whole experience at first caused me a lot of anger and pain. But I'm trying to learn from it and not stray towards the path of 'build walls, trust no one, it's you against the world' type of belief. :) I did shut myself out, and in someways have still shut myself out, but no I cannot attribute this entirely to my "friend". But what I have learnt is to still be able to look fondly at some of the crazy times we've shared, smile remembering our conversations and obsessions and so on. But the topic is letting go. I hated letting go of people I know. People whom I've made connections with. For whom I feel something. With whom I share life. But the word there is hated letting go. Because eventually I have realized that things I seem to be certain of are always the ones that are turned topsy turvy in my world and I'm always made to either reinforce my belief or see a completely different side to it. While I used to fight hard and sometimes be in denial about the end of something or someone, I now realize this is part of life. If you don't like it, you don't like it - but that's how life will go on. Sometimes you have to let go for your own peace of mind and then step back and still be able to look fondly at what used to be. Sometimes you let go of the physical presence but you carry people with you in your heart and in your memories. Sometimes you let go because it is a natural process of having drifted apart and perhaps if you meet them later in life, you can pick up from where you left off. Letting go of someone is not easy when you've invested a lot of time, emotions, thoughts, and experiences but I've read that people come into your life for a reason. Some leave after that purpose has been served. It's best to accept it when you can.

"Some people come into our lives and quickly go.
Some moves our souls to dance.
They awaken us to new understanding with the passing whisper of their wisdom.
Some people make the sky more beautiful to gaze upon.
They stay in our lives for awhile, leave footprints on our hearts
and we are never, ever the same."

I'm going to end this post with a website that I came across while blog hopping. It might seem a bit macabre to some, but I think it's helpful. If there's something that you have unsaid to someone who has passed on, you can express yourself at this site. It might help ease a burden.

1 comment:

Kaskuss said...

Hi vee,
It is a very difficult thing to let go. And it is even more difficult to accept that somewhere in the journey of this life..'people change'. I have (had ??) this female friend with whom I shared a great friendship. And at one point of time , after her marriage, things changed. She gave me the reason of 'change in her priorities' and I chose not to agree. So now the friendship hangs in balance. And every little moment in the past, every song that we enjoyed during our college days, it brings her back to me. It is very hard to let go. I have been trying to let go of this friendship for the past 3 years...and yet, here I am ..still hanging to it. Maybe becoz the past was beautiful. And I love to run it over in my mind, again and again !