March 31, 2015

JACKIE

April 1, 2015 marks 6 months since my Jackie passed away.  I can't believe it's been 6 months already and then I can't believe it's only been 6 months.  I feel like I've been missing her and feeling her loss for a longer period of time.  I want her back.  Sometimes there's a voice inside me screaming, "I want her back NOW!"  The reality of this situation sucks.  To say that her loss has left a gigantic hole in my heart and life is an understatement.  I am heartbroken x infinity.

I've been told, in time, things will get easier - the memories will get happier, the pain will lessen, and life will move forward.  Yes, life constantly moves forward whether you choose to participate in it or not.  I'm still waiting for the memories to get happier.  Most people live on Planet Earth.  I live on Planet My Jackie Died. 

I've been avoiding writing or delving too deep into all of this because of the sheer anguish it causes. It doesn't change the reality of the situation.  Jackie permeated through every aspect of me and my life and there are many reasons why I say that.

 How can this tiny box hold all that is Jackie? She was and continues to be such a huge presence.  It makes me angry to see this box and yet I keep it because it also gives me comfort at times.  It is because of Jackie that I learned to love even more than I thought was possible.  I got over my fear of animals because she came into my life.  She turned my fear into curiosity which then turned into understanding and love for animals.  I didn't see her as a dog, but as a being.  If you could have yourself mirrored in another soul - for me that soul was Jackie.  And now when I think of her, the image that immediately pops into my head is of her last moments; of her lying on the table at the vet's and of seeing her take her last breath.  My poor girl.  So many people say I can't beat myself up over this - but how can I not? I decided to end her life.  Yes, it was a decision made based on medical and logical reasons, yet there remains guilt attached.  This was the hardest decision I had to ever make and then to see it through and go through days of knowing the inevitable was coming - preparing for it, trying to spend every moment you possibly can with her - it took its toll.  

Jackie had a massive tumour that was inoperable given how large it was, the placement of it and her age.  She was already having difficulty breathing and was slowing down.  I knew something was really wrong because during the last few days she would lay on my lap and not move.  That was not normal for her - as she was very much her own being until then.  The last month with her especially was filled with many sleepless night as I would lie awake listening to her try to breathe.  I would rush home from work and I would actually walk in to see if she was still alive or not.  It sounds horrible, but it's true.  I made the decision and set a date for her final visit to the vet, but every time I went to sleep and when I woke up my first thought would be to wonder if she survived the night.  Her passing away in her sleep would be a boon compared to having to go through with the decision of having something injected into her and then seeing her stop breathing.  It all happened pretty quickly and peacefully at the vet's.  She, of course, knew.  Telling her repeatedly that I loved her and she was the best thing in my life and for her to be at peace became a loop of words. 

6 months back, Jackie breathed her last and I know a part of me went with her.   

Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there; I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on the snow,
I am the sunlight on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning’s hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there; I did not die.
- Mary Elizabeth Frye

~ Jackie : September 19, 2004 - October 1, 2014 ~





2 comments:

Sami R said...
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♥ N o v a said...

Losing a pet is one of the most difficult things to experience. Unless they are a pet lover, they will not understand the depth of loss and pain you are experiencing from losing Jackie. I had a dog who died in 2000, and I still mourn her loss, now 15 years later. I can still smell her fur sometimes, and I remember vividly how she would run and jump onto my bed in the mornings to wake me up. I miss her so much.