August 10, 2009

...the world I know.

I came home today, hugged my dogs, and smothered them with affection while trying not to cry. I pretty much broke down at work today. 3 years of working in a place where you can see the horrible side to humanity, and finally something snapped. I did it to myself really. I can't blame anyone else for making me see what I had the option not to. It was a case of animal abuse. The animal being a German Shepherd Dog and I sat and saw the video of what was done to him. Him being Max. I was obsessed over this case for the past three weeks. I pretty much hounded (no pun intended) the Crown who was in charge of it and then finally turned up in the court where it was being heard. I had to know. I had to see for myself. And it was horrible. That poor dog. What would compel a man to cause that much pain to something that's actually dependent on him - I can never understand. And I don't think I want to understand. There is no explanation that would make this okay. I had to leave court towards the end of the video because I felt physically ill. I can't get into details of how the dog was abused because I just cannot type out the words. I'm still sitting here trying to make sense of it, but it's one of those things that'll simply haunt me for a while, while never getting an answer that would make any kind of sense. Why? Why? Why? Why? WHY?

A month or so back I was given the unique opportunity to hurt a man. Physically cause him pain. I say unique opportunity because it's not every day that you find a man lying at your feet telling you to do what you must and not worry about him. It was the strangest sensation. It was part of a test shoot that I did for an upcoming photo spread in a South Asian online magazine. And I case it with ifs and buts because I'm still debating whether I wish to be a part of this idea. It'd be fantastic if it happens, however I didn't particularly feel comfortable when I left the studio for a variety of reasons, but one that stands out is that I simply could not bring myself to cause him pain. The very idea of stomping down on him (yes really, with heels on mind you) either made him a masochist (which I did call him along with being a sadist) or made me heartless. Sure I feel things like pain, anger, rage, and I know I've been wronged but I simply could not put it on display in the physical way when given the chance.

Around the same time or maybe a few weeks before this shoot, an ex-boyfriend contacted me out of the blue and said some very nice things about me. Things that surprised me not because I think I'm horrible, but because he wrote to me a year after telling me he would never contact me again. I was also given the opportunity here to tell him how he had hurt me, what horrible things he had made me feel and so on. But I didn't. I thought about it and wondered what the point would be. I dealt with the pain, anger, hurt, confusion and whatever else that needed to be dealt with in order for me to move forward. He had his own reasons for his bad behaviour at the time, which have come to light. What would be the point of making him feel bad for it now, a year or more later? I told a friend that and she called me selfless. I don't think that's the case at all. Part of it was me being selfish... because I didn't want to bring out all the not-so-nice feelings that I had moved away from.

Sometimes I don't get it. How quick people can be to hurt another. I know I'm not perfect. I've hurt people. I can be callous. Rude. Blunt. But I don't know how to hide. To evade. To be fake. I wish people would simply be genuine. Show some compassion to one another. Take that quick moment of anger and smile instead. It's not easy I know. You have to work at it. And you can if you want to. The worst is when you hurt innocence. And I'm rambling.

All I know is sometimes this world makes absolutely no sense. Collective Soul sang it perfectly (you can hear it if you like by clicking on the title of this post).

"Has our conscience shown?
Has the sweet breeze blown?
Has all kindness gone?
Hope still lingers on.
I drink myself of newfound pity
Sitting alone in New York City
And I don't know why.

Are we listening?
Hymns of offering.
Have we eyes to see?
Love is gathering.
All the words that I've been reading
Have now started the act of bleeding
Into one.

So I walk up on high
And I step to the edge
To see my world below.
And I laugh at myself
While the tears roll down.
'Cause it's the world I know.
It's the world I know."
The World I Know - Collective Soul


Veena said...

Dear Veena,
I like the grounded way you express your thoughts and feelings.

I'm wondering how you "dealt with the pain, anger, hurt, confusion and whatever else that needed to be dealt with in order for me to move forward" after this intense experience.

You don't have to tell me, but I was wondering...
Thanks for sharing your difficult day in a thoughtful way.

Vee said...

It almost sounds like a conversation with myself. :) But the way to move forward is simply one step at a time. But you have to make up your mind to do so and try your best not to run away from that decision. Call me. - V :)

Shakespeare's Cousin said...

You are stronger than I am. I would cry every day. If I were rich, I'd have my own no kill shelter. Hugs!

Vee said...

Shakespeare's Cousin, let's start one together? :) Or work at one atleast. Thank you for the hugs! Hug back!