May 08, 2009

Inner Funk

I can't even cry in peace in my apartment. I sat, in despair, on my bed tonight as I dragged my tired and aching body in and all I wanted to do was sob. Two seconds in to crying, I found my face being licked and the towel into which I was trying to muffle my sobs being dragged away as this fuzzy thing tried to jump onto my lap. Jackie had jumped on the bed and was busy licking my face and Charlie was trying to do his part as well, only he hasn't quite mastered the art of jumping onto said bed.

I've been teary-eyed for the past few days and while I try to place my finger on one direct cause, I'm not able to. Every time I think of one thing, something else pops into my head and all I'm left feeling is rather sorry for myself. That turns into anger because I dislike self-pity and then that results in frustration and the feeling of helplessness which just results in more tears. I've been trying to write about it for a few days now but was scared of sounding whiny because through it all, I tell myself to get over it because there are people out there in much dire situations. But I'm just so tired. And brushing this away isn't going to help me. So I'm going to write this and if it sounds whiny, then it is. If it sounds different, it is. And if it sounds harsh, so be it. It is what I feel and have been feeling at different moments and it hasn't gone away yet because it hasn't been fully expressed.

To P: I turned to you when I needed you. I thought you were big and strong and would take care of the issue. But you did n
othing other than give someone a warning glance that resulted in nothing. Was I not important enough? How could you place your own shortcomings before my welfare? Your expectations of me are never-ending even though you say otherwise. I cannot shoulder them anymore and if that counts as a failure, so be it. I have failed for you.

To A: Yes, you've been through horrible emotional pain, but what sort of example were you giving your child when instead of letting forgiveness show and lessons be learnt, you let your anger show. Role reversal isn't very conducive when one of the parties involved is a child trying to understand what she did wrong or why she can't be liked for being herself. When will you understand her instead of her always having to see what you've been through?

To J: The one thing you had to do in the end was take care of J. The one thing. And you did in name, by providing her with shelter, some care and food. I am furious about it because now I see the positive changes in her and yes it took time, and yes it took energy and consistency, but should I have been surprised at you shirking your responsibility? The one thing that I hoped you would work on inspite of the road
we took was her. I should have known better.

To T: You freak, see if I let you in my apartment ever again! I thought I could trust you with one of the most important things in my life. I thought because you have two of your own, you would be what I needed while I was away. But from stories I've heard since my return, I feel nothing but guilt because I left her wit
h you. You, who locked her out. You, who left the door open and had her run out and then blamed it on her. You who trashed my apartment and had your boyfriend stay over Godknowshowmanytimes in my sanctuary. You had no regard whatsoever for me or mine and it angers me to know end. But I won't make this mistake ever again. I'm sorry J - you'll never know how much.

To Me: I know you feel alone. I know you think you can't go on. You feel tired and lost and wish you had someone to take care of you for a change. You're tired of being strong. You're tired of fighting battles especially with the ones who are supposed to be there for you. But don't you realize by now, they're not your rock? I know three of the four have made you feel like maybe you're just not worth it. But, that's not right and you know that. You know that you need to cry your heart out and then make up your mind to pick yourself up and move forward. It seems never-ending. You're in pain. You feel confused. You feel overwhelmed. But in the midst of all that angst, you also feel hope. You know you'll find the strength to m
ove on. You know you'll do what's needed. But please also know, it's okay to feel sorry for yourself once in a while as long as you don't permanently stay in that frame of mind. You know it's a life revived for you and so you'll try and make the best of it. With or without P & A. You're trying to be your own person and you know what to be thankful for. It'll be okay. and sometimes it'll be much better than just okay.

I can't even in cry in peace in my apartment. And on some days, I'm thankful.

"We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves strong. The amount of work is the same." - Carlos Castane

1 comment:

Gary said...

Oh Veena... sounds like a tough time. I don't know any of the 'initials' but I know pain when I see it. Take care of may need to cry but you need to then find some light too. Thinking of you.

“You cannot prevent the birds of sadness from passing over your head, but you can prevent their making a nest in your hair.” - Chinese proverb